Accidental Antihero

Adventures of an Accidental Antihero

When he finally got to the end of the long tunnel, jumped past the last set of snapping jaws, and made it outside, formerly-known-as-Minion-#665 realized he was still wearing his Evil Associates uniform.  Well, that would never do.  He'd be killed on sight by any roving band of heroes like this.  Of course, he probably would be anyway, but he'd rather try to avoid it if he could.

He reached up and ripped off his sleeve, carefully leaving a ragged edge that screamed "I don't care", and then went after the other one.  That was more antihero-ish, right?  Bare arms, check, he even had a scar that could, if viewed charitably, be called "cool".  The uniform was black, so that helped.  What else did he need…?

He looked down and realized he still had the Evil Associates logo, which meant that everything about him was screaming "chief goon" rather than "ultracool amoral antihero".  He tore that off, too.  Really, he should replace it with a cool symbol of his own, but sewing kits weren't exactly standard issue for minions.  Oh well, the ripped-shirt look worked too.

He should probably let his hair grow out a bit, too, to better stand out from the crew-cut, rank-and-file minions.  That would take a while, though, and he was pretty sure that a band of heroes would show up as soon as was dramatically convenient.  He stood up and faced a nearby hill.  Convenient drama in three, two, one…

Three figures came over the top of the hill.  Only one was female, of course, and one of the males was…well, brownish.

They stood there looking at each other for a moment.

"Who are you?"  asked the white male, who was presumably the leader.

The former minion considered his options.  Should he go for the "mysterious stranger" effect?  No, no, no, they always died.  Always.  Better go with "sympathetic escapee," instead.

"I was one of the Overlord's minions," he said, "but I managed to escape before he could make me into the Villain of the Week.  Now I'm going to try my luck at 'antihero'."

"And what's your name?" asked the woman.

"Oh…"  He scratched his head.  "About that…I haven't actually thought of one yet.  Minions don't have names, you know.  But what are yours?"

The leader struck a heroic pose.  "Dirk Devonshire, hero, at your service!"

The woman giggled and said "Amy Sweetwater, The Chick!"

The ambiguously brown man rather morosely stuck out his hand and said "Lewis Brown, token minority."

"Ah," said the former minion as he shook the proffered hand, "and what minority would that be, exactly?"

Lewis sighed.  "I don't know.  The writers just didn't care, as long as I was 'ethnic'."

"Yup!" giggled Amy.  "Dirk here is the only one who even got a backstory!  My defining characteristic is 'female'!"

"And…you're not depressed about that?" asked the former minion, who was by now really wishing he could think of a name.

"Nope!  I'm too cheerful and bubbly to ever be depressed!  Can't you tell?  I even giggled!"

"Ah, yes, I could tell without the giggling, thanks."

"Oh, sorry, was I overdoing it?  I sometimes overdo it."

"Anyway," broke in Dirk, "we're here to take down this overlord.  Are you one of the ones who randomly helps the heroes for no reason, or are you planning to help us get in and then tragically betray us?"

"Not that I'd actually thought that far ahead…but I have no particular reason to betray you, and no particular reason to want to help the Overlord.  I have, however, every reason to leave you here and strike out on my own, which is rather what I thought I'd do in the first place."

"You can't do that!" said Dirk.  "You're part of the plot now!  You can't leave until you've done something useful.  Or died."

"Oh," said the former minion.  "Fine then.  I guess I'll need a name."

"You could have something related to 'minion'!" said Amy, rather breathlessly.  Was she ever not excited?  "Like…Minnie!"

"That's a girls' name!" said several voices at once, with varying degrees of forcefulness.

"Oh, right...Mickey, then?"

"What does that have to do with 'Minnie'?" asked Lewis, still with an air of glumness.

"I have no idea.  I think the writers are trying to slip in another pop-culture reference we would have no logical way of knowing."

Since that was the first logical and non-giggly thing the woman had said, former minion was understandably surprised.  But he shrugged it off; the writers really weren't very good at their job.

"Not Mickey…Michael I could live with, but I was kind of hoping for something that started with A, since I'm still working on the whole 'antihero' thing…"

Eventually, they agreed on "Allan McKay," mainly because it was the only decent 'A' name that any of them could think of offhand (other suggestions included "Amandeep" and "Angus", along with a debate about whether "Amanda" could be masculine), and Amy insisted that there should be something tangentially related to 'minion'.

"So, why exactly did you want to defeat the Overlord?" asked the newly-christened Al.

"Because we're the good guys, obviously," said Dirk, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world—which wasn't unreasonable, since it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Al tried again.  "I mean…don't you have something in your backstory?  Like, he killed your parents, or ate your dog, or spilled Kool-Aid on your best picture in second grade?"

"Oh, that?" said Dirk.  "Well, I guess so.  I think there was something about a curse, or maybe a family feud.  No, wait, he insulted my dad once, that was it!  But it doesn't really matter, because we're good and he's evil.  Instant justification!"

"Ah," said Al, wondering vaguely if the Overlord was even capable of speaking, let alone insulting anyone.

"But enough exposition!" continued Dirk, apparently unaware that he was about to provide an exposition hook.  "What can you tell us about this Overlord?"

Al sighed.  This was going to be a long story…